your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
