Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
