Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
