I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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