Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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