I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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