If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
