Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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