listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
