Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
