Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
