I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
