I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
