i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
