New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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