1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
