if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My ass is underappreciated
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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