i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
