So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
