I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
