Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
