I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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