He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
