Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You smell like a Billy Joel song
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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