Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
