Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
