I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
