Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
