I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
