she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
