end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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