worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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