You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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