i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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