am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
