Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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