just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
sarcasm needs its own font
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
