I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
