my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
