Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
