Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
