How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
