Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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