I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my phone needs a breathalizer
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
3pm strippers are depressing
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
