Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
