There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she peed on how many people?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
