I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
