After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
