You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
