I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
COCAINE IS GR8
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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