i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
