I looked at my own cervix.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
