Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
